Neuropsych/running

Today I got to visit a neuropsychologist!  Incidentally, that is what I am interested in pursuing whenever I figure out what is going on in my life in the next few years.  Initially I was applying to the USUHS graduate school program for a Ph.D. in either Clinical or Medical Psychology.  As that requires serving in the military, I don't think that is going to happen (at least not right now).  However, assuming I get into this Master's in Health Administration degree program, hopefully that will be a good stepping stone (according to the psychologist, he thinks it will be).  The neuropsychologist was actually enlisted Army, then became a naval officer, and now has a successful private practice, so even if I have to wait for awhile, I still stand a chance!  He started pursuing his Ph.D. at fourty, and I'm a bit younger than that, so we will see what happens.   

Anyway, I went because of issues with memory and whatnot.  I also brought up the fact I get lost sometimes and randomly have issues figuring out where I am/what I should be doing at things like intersections (haha, bring up the lost LT jokes now!)   We did some tests for cognitive functioning, and I'll know more after the official write up (which I will get on Monday), but currently I know that he confirmed a few things:  1) I have terrible visual/spatial orientation, 2) I also have terrible verbal memory, and 3) I apparently make up words, and there is a term for it called neo-something-or-the-other,  which is very likely a function of the left temporal lobe epilepsy that the neurologist suspects (we're still trying to figure out WHERE exactly in my brain the seizures are starting, but based on what I told the neurologist, and based on what just happened at the neuropsych's office, it seems pretty likely).  The neuropsychologist explained that people who generally make up words the way I did (I wasn't even aware that I did it enough for others to notice!) have some type of misfirings happening somewhere around the left temporal lobe.  Also my awful verbal recall.  He read me a short sentence that I had to repeat back... Yeah... about that.   I guess that would explain why I was awful at learning vocabulary in Russian, and memorizing terms and dates and whatnot for tests.  Oddly enough, I did a great job with remembering shapes that I saw on a piece of paper (visual memory is good... verbal memory is bad.  AKA, I can read and write, but I really suck at listening/remembering what I hear.)   Anyway, I find it all quite interesting, hence the reason I would love to get into something along these lines in the future.  Maybe long term future until I know what is going to happen in the next few years, but still the future.  Since the neuropsych knew I wanted to get into that field, he was educating me in the process.  Awesome!  He also said he'd make the write-up educational as well and told me I could ask any questions.  Maybe I can do my health administrative internship over there... That'd be pretty sweet.  Too bad I'd need to drive to get over there and that is still a no-go in my world :(  

Some of you may have been really bored by that write up, but again, this is really interesting to me, so actually getting to sit down and talk to him was interesting.  Plus, it's easier to learn stuff when you're experiencing it yourself.  Somehow, things are much more interesting when they pertain to ourselves I think :)  

On another note... My running is getting better again.  I still have a hard time breathing at the beginning of my runs, and don't feel amazing, but I'm getting it back.  Slowly but surely.  I'm trying really hard not to over-do it, as I am still struggling a bit with my IT band syndrome and my tendinitis in my right foot.  I've been able to resume the use of my Flector patches (voltaren gel in a patch form) because my skin is no longer as itchy and irritable.  At least, for the time being.  They help a LOT, but I'm afraid I'm not able to leave them on long enough for them to have a big effect because my skin goes into irritated, angry, inflamed mode.  I'm also nervous to start another seizure med (the one the neurologist spoke of) because of the rashes you can get.  I all ready have sensitive skin, so I'm not particularly excited.  Oh well, I'll figure it all out in time I guess.  It's better than being in a total brain fog.  

Alas, I suppose I will do something productive with my time now... 

Love,

Nina

Update on Life and Prayers Please! Family, epilepsy, etc.

I suppose I have not written in some time, and there may be people who I don't talk to on a regular basis who might be curious as to what is going on (or maybe you're just bored and thought you would check out my blog - that works for me too).  Warning: the post might be somewhat depressing at points, but I'll try to add in some light topics too :)

First, something really important to me.  Please keep my mom in your prayers.  She has been dealing with lung problems for quite some time.  She used to smoke, though smoking isn't what caused these issues - just exasperated them (remember they didn't know as much about how terrible smoking was back thirty years ago like they do now).  She has been quit for quite some time, but there were other underlying issues that she didn't know about until later.  She has something called pseudomonas, and it's a type of bacteria that has infected her lungs.  She gets sick with pneumonia frequently and has been in the hospital countless times to receive intensive care to bring her infections under control.  When I was home a couple of weeks ago she could hardly walk for longer than 5 minutes without having to stop because she was out of breath.  She was scared she would have to be admitted again, and she did go to the doctor, and she was admitted, and was taking vacation time for a week to get better.  It didn't get better the way it should have, so she went back to the hospital shortly after, and they admitted her again.  Now they said she needs to get a lung transplant because it's progressing quickly, and they need to do it before her condition gets worse.  The average life expectancy after a lung transplant is five years, though that's only AVERAGE - there ARE plenty of people who live much longer than that.  She is still fairly young - only 50, and once the lung issue is taken care of, she will be much better off.  PLEASE keep her in your prayers that a) she can get a transplant/funding for the transplant quickly (these things aren't cheap), and b) that her body takes the transplant well.

Second, I am training for marathon number two!  The Philadelphia marathon in November.  I am doing it for charity - the Epilepsy Therapy Project.  I've been posting all over Facebook about this, but I think most people tend to ignore those types of posts (plus I'm aware it's still a decent time away), SO, if you want to donate - even just a little - my goal is 1,000 dollars.  I'm partially there (about 15%), but not as far as I'd like to be!  If I had known about the transplant before I committed to running for this charity, I probably would have chosen to run for that.  But, I didn't know until a couple of days ago, and have all ready committed to this :)  Don't be surprised to see me posting about that as well though...  IF you would like to donate, please click on the link below:

https://epilepsytherapyproject.myetap.org/fundraiser/2012PHLMarathon/individual.do?participationRef=3917.0.286558349

So why would you want to donate to this cause?  And why would I choose to do this?  Well, epilepsy awareness for one thing.  I have learned SO much that I didn't know about prior to my diagnosis and doing research.  Most people think epilepsy is some type of weird disease where people randomly collapse and start shaking.  But there's much more to it than that.  Did you know that there is something called SUDEP - Sudden Death in Epilepsy.  Yeah, neither did I, and it scared me enough to make sure I take my medications, regardless of the side effects (which suck).  Nobody even told me about it after my first seizure because they thought it was induced by pills.  I was just kind of blown off.  That's why it's important for people to have epilepsy under control.  If you want to learn more about it the link below is actually from the organization I'm doing the marathon for:

http://www.epilepsy.com/EPILEPSY/sudep_epilepsy

It's also a progressive condition, something else I didn't know.  It explains why when I had my very first seizure a couple of years ago I hardly ever had auras (weird feelings/sensations/etc.) that I had prior to my first Tonic-Clonic seizure, and then in the past year or so they've gotten more and more frequent.  Auras are actually partial seizures (meaning, they only take place in one part of the brain), and those partial seizures affect things like memory/speech/etc.  So for those of you whose names I can't remember, well, now I have an excuse :)   I have mostly partial seizures that sometimes generalize (affect the entire brain).  Generalized seizures are what most people think of when they think of seizures.  You lose consciousness, might fall to the ground, get stiff, shake, etc. etc.  For more information on the TYPES of seizures, click here:

http://www.epilepsy.com/EPILEPSY/Types_seizures

That website is a GREAT resource for anyone who has family members dealing with epilepsy, or people who are just curious.  Now, here's what these charity organizations help to do.  They help fund research into epilepsy to develop different types of treatment and raise awareness.  Let me tell you, the side effects suck.  I'm only on one medication right now called Keppra.  It's sometimes used in the treatment of bipolar disorder as well, which is kind of interesting because it can have the opposite affect on mood control on quite a few people.  Keppra is good in a few ways: it doesn't put you in the same type of brain fog that some of the others do, and if you're a woman who wants to get pregnant, it's one of the better ones that won't really affect the baby.  However, the moods.  Oh, the moods.  Some of you who are my Facebook friends will remember that when all this happened I was posting some depressing statuses on Facebook.  Part of it was situational.  Part of it was because of the medication.  Keppra can make someone cry at the drop of a hat, or might make someone get angry quickly.

 Fortunately, I've sort of adjusted to the medication, so it isn't so bad anymore.  But now they want to put me on another one because my partial seizures aren't completely under control.  No, I haven't lost consciousness and started shaking on the ground anytime since April, but I still get those auras I was talking about.  As my neurologist explained, once we get rid of the partial seizures, they won't have a chance to generalize.  I don't mind the partial seizures.  They actually feel kind of cool sometimes (like being in a dream), but knowing that they can lead to other problems, I need them to be under control.  While I don't mind the partial seizures, I really don't like not being able to drive for six months.  This other medication they want to put me on has other side effects (though more mild than some of the others).  Rashes, for one... Sometimes these rashes can be fatal. That freaks me out.  There are other medications that cause huge amounts of weight gain (Depakote), and cause issues with thinking.  An example of that is Topomax, which some people call "dopemax" because people feel like they're on dope.  That one makes people lose a ton of weight and all they want to do is sleep.  If you meet someone with epilepsy who seems like they aren't that smart, a lot of it probably has to do with the medication that they are taking.  Just keep that in mind!

The good news is that sometimes these medications can reverse the damage that epilepsy does to the brain.  Without the research they've done, people wouldn't know this.  Hell, I wish my first doctors would have done this research and kept me on medication for longer than two months, because I don't think I'd be having these issues now if they had (keep in mind, medication controls seizures, so it helps prevent the condition from progressing - at least most of the time).  My current neurologist really didn't understand why they took me off in the first place - his words were "I really don't understand what their thought process was."  And the one who I saw in Virginia told me those pills wouldn't have caused seizures unless there was an underlying problem.

Anyways, if you have read this far - congratulations :)  I wouldn't have expected you to do that unless you're interested in this topic.

Beyond the topic of the health implications of epilepsy... Right now, I've just been dealing with tests/etc. I have an MRI for next week to look at my brain (sometimes epilepsy can be caused by things like tumors), and lots of other fun stuff :)  I'm also applying to graduate school.  I feel as if my dreams to pursue my Ph.D. in psychology are going to be kept on hold, BUT, I'm still applying for my Master's in Health Administration at a local college (Utica College - an off-shoot of Syracuse University).  I'll be doing online courses, but I'm close enough that if I wanted to head down there and use the library, I could do that.  Of course, I need to be able to drive to do that, but HOPEFULLY by the end of October I will be able to drive again.  I THOUGHT I'd be able to drive by the end of THIS month, because Oregon state law (where I have my driver's license) is three months, but my neurologist said because New York law is six months, I have to wait.  So disappointing.  Oh well.  The positive to my current situation is that I'm not really working.  That actually sucks, but I'll be able to do full-time school work for at least a couple more months while I sit in waiting.  I'll also be able to do internships.  If I want to get into the health care field, I can walk across the street to the clinic and help out over there (according to one of the civilians here helping with transitioning soldiers).  I want to volunteer as well, but again, transportation might be an issue there, unless I can find someone else who wants to volunteer with me :)

So, this is life for me right now.  I know that was a long entry - lots going on right now!  Now  I need to do my long run for the week if I'm going to get back into marathon shape ;)  It will only be ten miles, but it's been since April at my first marathon since I've run that far!

Love,
Nina

The Internet and Information (Is it making us dumber? Smarter? No difference at all?)

This is something I was just thinking about... based on another thought I had (go figure, right?)  I was reading an article, and some of the comments said something along the lines of "This should have been proof-read before being published."  That lead me to start thinking about the internet in general.  The first thing that popped into my head was along the lines of "Anyone can post anything now, and anyone will believe it.  The internet just propogates un-informed ideas."  I mean, if you think about it, it's sort of true.  Look at my blog, for example... It's all opinions, and not a whole lot of research.  If someone wasn't thinking, they could look at some of what I say and say "Oh, well, Nina said it, so it must be true!"  Actually, as a side note, that would be really flattering, but probably not always the wisest idea.  Anyways, back on topic.  In the past, there would only be a few ways that people would be able to read my blog entries:

1)  Published in a newspaper/magazine - where someone most likely looked over the articles and ensured that grammer/etc. was correct.

2)  I wrote and gave copies of my posts to my friends.  In that case, I would probably only have 10-15 people reading what I wrote (I think I would be too lazy to distribute more)

3) I wrote a book with all of my thoughts/ideas and published it (again, I would hope that would have been proof read). 

These days, however, all I have to do is write up a quick blog, post it onto my Facebook, and BAM - depending on how interesting my blog entry title subject is - there are 100 reads right within a couple of hours!  If you were to go back to the ninetees, when I was a teenager,  it would have been much harder for that many people to read my writing.

So my point is that it is much easier to get access to information now, and it's much easier to put information which may or may not be correct. Duh, right?  Well, here's where my thought process went.  The first thought I had earlier was that the internet is probably just mis-informing people, and people are getting dumber because they have all of this incorrect information, and nobody has to proof-read anything anymore, etc. etc.  I actually feel kind of old for thinking that at all... People who were born ten years after me ALL had computers in their early teenage years (that most likely didn't include a dial-up tone or very fast-loading pages!) 

Then I got to thinking a little deeper...  The internet, despite some people's opinions, and many comments I read on articles/etc., does not make people dumber.  It might make people lazier in a way... But if you are actually thinking about what you are doing and reading, you won't be misinformed.  Actually, in a way, it teaches you to think critically because you have such an abundance of information thrown at you.  I know in college Wikipedia was an incredibly popular source of information, but the professors were  constantly touting "It is NOT a valid resource!"  And they were correct; however, anyone with any type of education could tell you that.  They could ALSO tell you that if you're smart about it, you can use the resources from Wikipedia to find out more information from reliable sources on a given topic.  Having the vast amounts of information available on the internet can be both positive and negative.  If you aren't smart about it, you might believe anything you read.  But, if you are smart about it, you can learn quite a bit about tons of topics, and then sort through that on what you want to believe.  You just have to learn what the term "reliable sources" really means..   In the past, you might only be able to find a couple of books on a topic, and if it was published, well, it HAD to be correct, right? Well, yeah, that's true if you only have access to a couple of books in a library on a particular topic.  What else CAN you believe?

 But now us mere citizens with Bachelor's degrees (or high school degrees, or any type of education that teaches them to read) can actually access information from medical journals and studies and all sorts of information that you would NOT have had access to in the past.  If you can distinguish between good and bad information, you can actually make some decisions for yourself.  I just thought of a conversation I had with one of my best friends in medical school right now who said that the patient-doctor relationship is changing.  Instead of the doctor just telling the patient what to do, the patient can have a role in treatment.  In the past, that would have been MUCH more difficult.  Other than the patient telling the doctor how they were feeling, they probably couldn't do very much in the way of "interacting."  What choice did they have than to listen to the doctor?   An example is after my last seizure when the neurologist asked me about symptoms and I said something about an aura without even thinking about it.  She says "How do you know what an aura is?"  Um... because I researched the weird deja vu/dizziness/sometimes nauseous feelings I was getting, and found it exactly matched the description of an aura. Or when my primary care manager wanted me to switch medication to another type, I was able to access databases and learned there were several other medications I could use with less side effects (I didn't switch - I'd rather wait until I see an actual neurologist for that one - too much at stake there).  Now, that's not to say that the internet can take the place of a professional in areas that require a lot of study (medical, law, etc.), but it can help keep a regular citizen informed of things they might not otherwise understand very well. 

So to conclude this entry.  No, the internet does not make people dumber.  In reality, it helps people to learn more information and think more critically about the information they are being fed - as you ARE much more likely to come across faulty information on the internet than you would be if you only read published books and articles. I could say it makes people lazy when it comes to writing, but even that isn't necessarily true.  Yes, my blog entry is full of grammer mistakes, but guess what?  It's not published, so it doesn't matter.  My own handwritten journal entries I've been keeping since I was 11 years old are also full of grammatical errors, and writing those didn't make me lazy either.  Being lazy when it counts is what makes you lazy.   I will say, however, that it drives me INSANE when people type like 5 year old children just learning how to read and write, with zero punctuation whatsoever (if your punctuation makes it hard to understand what you are trying to say, you probably should fix it). 

Hope some of you found that a little interesting.  If not, well, it's my blog :-p  !  Hehe.

Nina

Losing weight - the heathy and easy way!

I'm sure I have posted something about this before... because I do have a tendency to repeat myself at times, but here goes.  This was initially going to be a rant, but then I decided that I might actually give some advice that has worked for me in the past couple of years  (After writing this, I realized that I was recently reading another blog entry called "the anti-diet" that has a lot of the same principles if you want to check it out: http://www.thelondoner.me/2012/01/anti-diet.html))

One of my pet peeves is when people assume that I'm thin because I either have a fast metabolism or I starve myself.  OR, it's ONLY because I "run so much" (in reality, I don't run THAT much, and I tend to lose weight when I'm running less), so I'm going to write down what it is that I've done.  First, I do not just have a fast metabolism.  I have been slightly chubby.  I've never been obese, but at not even 5'1" and 126 pounds, there was a time people couldn't look at me and say I wasn't eating enough (I still don't think somebody could look at me and say that, but I guess I look smaller in some of my uniforms, but anyways...).  At this point, I'm about 5'1" and 110 pounds.  Not a huge difference, but when you are so short, that's a pretty big difference.  So here's what I ACTUALLY do as a real, mostly-healthy (in regards to eating anyway) woman.  If you talk to most "naturally thin" women, this is similar to how they eat as well... Most of them DON'T starve themselves, and most of them aren't out exercising for hours every day.

1) First IMPORTANT - very very important point is PORTION SIZE.  I DO tend to eat what I want, which is why some people assume I must just have a fast metabolism.   The trick, however, is a) I don't do it ALL the time, and b) I limit portions.  Portions are REALLY important, as you CAN eat what you want and stay thin if you limit how much of what you eat.  Example:  I eat a lot of ice cream.  However, it's in small portions.  In my freezer I have several types of ice cream, and I eat them after both lunch AND dinner some days, but the trick is that the portions are SMALL.  I have MINI snickers bars (90 calories each) and MINI drumsticks (120 calories each).  Even if I eat a mini snickers and a mini drumstick in one day, that's still only 210 calories.  That's less than most people drink in their coffee drinks.  Which brings me to point number two.

2)  I RARELY drink anything with calories in it... It's just not satisfying.  It helps that I just don't even like soda.  But to me, the 110 or so calories (or more, depending on the size of the glass) in the glass of orange juice in the morning just isn't worth it.  I'd rather eat the real orange PLUS a slice of toast for the same amount of calories and feel WAY more satisfied.   As for coffee drinks, I do like them sometimes, but I still limit them.  Again, empty calories!  If I DO drink a latte, I count it as a snack, since it does have some nutritional value with milk/etc. But it's not ON TOP of a snack.  I also don't drink gatorade/sports drinks - even as a runner, they seem unnecessary to me.  Now, if I've just done a long run, I will probably drink a recovery drink afterward, but that's not a regular occurrence - it's if I feel like my body actually NEEDS those extra calories.  The one thing I will drink fairly regularly (still not all that often) is V8 type drinks as snacks, and sometimes I'll have an acai berry drink, but this is only occasionally, and only if I've been running more frequently.  Which brings me to point 3 - exercise!

3)  All right, so I do exercise more often than your average person, though not as much as some people who really can just eat whatever they want and run it off.  But you will notice that I said above that I tend to lose weight when I'm not running as much.  It's true, and I'll tell you why (besides blood volume and all that other fun exercise physiology stuff).  When I'm running more, I HAVE to eat more.  It's not a matter of "YAY, I'm running, I can eat WHATEVER I WANT!"  It's more like.... "Yay, I'm running!  I need to MAKE SURE I eat something before I do my long run (this is me, I know a lot of people who are okay running without eating), and I need to make sure I eat something aftewards to recover, and make sure my dinner is big enough to be sufficient for tomorrow" and so on so forth... you get the point.  Calories in, calories out.  I actually have to make sure I eat more when I'm running more, so I don't really lose much in the way of weight unless I'm trying, and it's HARD because I'm hungry constantly if I'm trying.  But that's just running... I was talking to a friend who noticed that the healthiest looking people tend to be people who do yoga, and I think there's a reason for that.  There's a lifestyle around exercise as opposed to just burning calories that tends to bring about overall healthier eating habits, which in turn, brings about healthier weight.

There is also, however, the calorie-burning component of exercise.  I've recently taken up actually walking for exercise.  It does not burn as many calories as running, and takes way longer, but it's easy to do anytime of day, AND because it burns less calories, you tend to be less hungry than after a run, so it's easier to control food intake (which is way more important than anything else when it comes to losing weight).  I noticed in Afghanistan that I lost a couple of pounds, which I'm sure had SOMETHING to do with my lack of alcohol consumption, but also had something to do with the fact I made it a point to walk everywhere (I wasn't running much because I hurt my knee).   Of course, I am totally a fan of running, and I also think weight-lifting is great, as it gives you definition so when you DO lose the weight, you don't just look like a stick figure, but you actually look GOOD in that bikini instead of "skinny fat."

4)  BALANCE is KEY.  I know this blog entry kind of makes it sound like I do eat what I want, when I want.... And while that's true, it's not 100% true.  I still have to pay attention to what I'm eating, because as my relatives can attest to (this was back when I was YOUNG, and DID have a crazy fast metabolism), I can eat a LOT of food.  Like, an entire pizza, followed by dessert.  This was when I weighed like 80 pounds.  If I did that whenever I wanted NOW, I would probably be pretty large.  So if I DO eat a really unhealthy meal, the next day, I will probably make it a point to eat healthier.  Not starving myself... I USED to do that, back when I was ten pounds heavier.  And then I would get really hungry and end up over-eating that night.  My mom actually visited me in New York before I headed to Afghanistan, and she noted that the way I ate for the most part was pretty healthy - and yummy!  Sauteed veggies with chicken sausage and rice, all nice and seasoned up...  Cooking with cooking spray instead of oil or butter when I could helped a lot...  It all took maybe 5-10 minutes to prepare, but it was filling and tasted great.  Knowing that I eat like that most of the time helps me to not feel SO guilty when I go out to eat a giant bowl of pasta and wine and follow it with dessert :)

5) Eat food with SUSTENANCE.  This point slightly contradicts point number one, as point number one states that you can eat whatever you want if you monitor your portions, and that is totally true.  However, there are certain things that you can't just eat a few of and be satisfied.  There are also certain things I won't keep around the house, because if I do, I will eat way too much.  An example is chips... I was reading in some health article somewhere that chips (and similar foods) are the number one common eating habit of obese people.  Not ice cream or fast food or eating out... chips.  I can tell you why: because when someone opens up a bag of chips, it's REALLY hard to stop eating them, and you aren't really getting any nutritional out of them, so you still need to eat MORE to feel like you've actually had a meal.  And the more often you eat them, the more often you crave them, and it becomes not just a "one time" thing, but an all-the-time thing.  One serving of Doritos is like 140 calories... not that many calories in reality.  But how many chips is that?  What, around 8-10?  That's hardly ANYTHING - of course you will want more!  It goes back to substance...  Do you want 10 Doritos, or do you want a mini-bagel with a little bit of cream cheese?  Because a mini bagel is about 100 calories, and if you are careful with your serving of cream cheese, it won't be 200 calories of cream cheese on that bagel, and not only that, but you'll be satisfied and not feel the need to eat a lot more.  Or another example is cheese... Sometimes, I'll feel like a snack at night (I TRY not to eat late, but sometimes if I've been particularly active that day, it just happens, and I don't feel guilty), I'll try to figure out... okay, what can I eat that will take away this nagging hungry feeling without adding tons of calories?  I COULD grab a handful of crackers and want more and more... OR, I could slice up some cheese with a few crackers.  Guess what, after that cheese, I don't feel like I need to eat more.  Sure, cheese is really fattening if you get the good stuff (that I like), but because it's so rich, I don't need to eat a ton of it to feel satisfied.

In conclusion, if you want to look like a super model, this probably won't work for you and you will likely still have some fat on your body, but that's okay, because human beings have fat on their body. Especially women... we weren't designed to be sticks, we were designed to have babies, which means we're going to hips/thighs/breasts/etc. (not to say that if you're naturally thin there's something wrong with you.)  If, however, you just want to lose some weight without feeling like you're completely missing out on all of your favorite foods, or if you are tired of trying to do everything "perfect," losing a few pounds quickly, then gaining it back, then go ahead and try out some of these principles.   Of course, I'm not a nutritionist nor weight loss expert, I'm just posting what has worked for me to stay at a healthy weight after several years of making the same mistakes that most people make when trying to lose weight.

Feel to leave comments if you have any questions!

A couple of other things I thought of after writing my initial post (and talking to my mum):

 - When you DO start cutting out certain foods (which I have) you start to realize you don't like them as much.  Fast food is an example (as the blog I posted above stated) - once you just stop eating it, you stop wanting it.  You feel better when you don't eat them, and they just don't taste as good anymore.

And when you have too much time on your hands

You start to think a lot... about EVERYTHING!  So here are some random thoughts that have been on my mind in these past jobless weeks:

1) The people who are most worth being in your life are the ones who will stick with you through good and bad.... unless you do something really awful to them.  Like sleep with their girlfriend/boyfriend/something along those lines.  I wouldn't expect someone to be my friend anymore if I did something like that to them (and no, I haven't).  Otherwise, if they ditch you because you're not "fun" or are depressed for a little while, they really aren't worth your effort/time/energy.  And before anyone gets upset or assumes this is some passive-aggressive means of telling somebody something, this isn't really directed at anyone, just something I've thought about.   But if you THINK it's directed at you, it probably is (but it wasn't MEANT to be directed at anyone in particular).  Get your brain wrapped around that one ;)

2) On that same token... most people can only take so much.  If it's never about them, and it's only about you ALL THE TIME, they will probably get tired of spending time with you (again, before anyone gets offended, this wasn't really directed at anyone.  But I was a psychology major... I like analyzing how people think/act!)  Unless someone has taken vows to remain with you for the rest of your life, or they are family, nobody is really obligated to spend time with someone who constantly drags them down.

3)  And on ANOTHER similar note.. There are definitely times that I PERSONALLY would rather be alone than drag other people down when I'm feeling down.  Anyone else feel that way?  But I'm sort of an introvert anyways, so I think that's normal.

4)  Life is short, and you don't know when something might happen to you or someone you love.  Therefore, while you should not be reckless with your life (there's no need to SHORTEN your life), you should enjoy your life and do what you love, and not take the people in it for granted.

5)  Shoot... and here goes my awesome memory.  I can't remember number 5.  Oh well, I'm going to follow thought number four and go RUN!  Because I love it, and I'm so happy that I can still do it :)   I'm sure I'll remember ten brilliant ideas when I'm out destroying my body.  Hehehe.

Love,
Nina

Rough Week

I'm not going to lie... This has been a rough week in several respects.  The first thing was being evac'ed out of Afghanistan (nothing like regaining consciousness while you're being put on an ambulance)... Then getting diagnosed with epilepsy and told I can't drive for the next few months or handle a weapon for the next year.   But I can only say I'm lucky that that is the reason why I was being rolled onto an ambulance and evacuated out of Afghanistan.  Some of the people being evacuated out had missing limbs... As much as I wanted to feel sorry for myself, I could not, because I realize I'm actually lucky (even though I still would much rather be deployed with my fellow soldiers right now).

I found out last night that our first classmate from my graduating class was killed in action in Afghanistan.  We've been graduated for less than a year... Like any good West Point graduate, I automatically went and looked at his Facebook and saw a wall post from who I presume was his mother who asked him to call her - very much like what my own family would post on my wall.  To be honest, I have spent quite some time in tears.  I was involved in OCF (Officer's Christian Fellowship) with this fellow graduate, and we have known each other for quite some time - since our freshman year at West Point.  He was on battalion staff when I was on regimental staff, so we did work together some, and I knew him socially as well, though we didn't hangout all that often.  He wasn't a popular guy, but he was a good guy, and I can't believe he's gone.  This just hit too close to home... And now I'm in tears again.  I'm sure these anti-seizure meds they have me on aren't helping matters any, as they tend to cause me to be emotional (these are the same meds they put me on a couple years ago).  It's hard to see your own classmates who had the same hopes and dreams as you being killed at such a young age.  Without getting political, I can't say I'll be disappointed when we pull out of Afghanistan.  Even though I was glad I had the honor to serve over there, and I'm really disappointed I got pulled out early (I was only there for about a month before I had to leave), I don't want to see anymore of my fellow soldiers killed over there... These people who had friends and family and hopes and dreams just like me and the people I'm closest to.

That is all I have to say for now... I know this fellow soldier is in a better place now, and I pray for those closest to him who have lost a great guy.  Be Thou at Peace.

Well, that was quick: My Return from Afghanistan

So this post will be a slightly personal post... Just because I know I have a lot of people wandering what the hell happened to me, and I'd rather just post a blog so everyone knows rather than people trying to figure it out on their own.

All right, so what did happen to me?  Well, I had a seizure while I was in Afghanistan.  So I got med-evaced out of Afghanistan, and am currently in Germany.  Someone apparently walked in on me while I was in the midst of the seizure, and I guess I hit my head on the U.S. flag near my desk, because now I have a nice gash on the top of my forehead, and there was a bit of blood around me (or so I hear).

  For those of you who don't know, this is not my first seizure... I actually had a seizure back in 2010... well, actually, I had two, but they were both within a couple of hours of each other.  The difference between now and then is that my last one was the first one, and because my tests all came back normal, the docs attributed it to pills I was taking.  Well, this time I wasn't taking any pills, and I wasn't really sleep deprived.  Plus, I'd had an "aura" prior to this one... Auras are a weird feeling that a lot of people get prior to having seizures, and are actually mini-seizures in themselves, but they generally do not manifest themselves.  I've had several auras in the past couple of years (especially in the past year), but they have never turned into anything, so I've been able to ignore them.  Well, this time the aura was particularly intense, and someone whose soldier actually has seizures walked into the office while I was having it.  I did not, however, think it would turn into anything because I'd had several auras that turned into nothing.... Well, I guess I was wrong, because here I am...

Saw a neurologist, and I had another EEG (they hook a machine up to your brain and graph your brain waves to look for anything unusual), and this time it actually showed up as abnormal (last time everything was normal).  So, because this was not my first seizure, and because I'd had several auras, and because of the abnormal brain waves on the EEG, I was diagnosed with epilepsy.  With that diagnosis comes medicine... The same crap they put me on the LAST time I had a seizure (but they let me go off of it because I hadn't had any issues)... Some of the side effects include moodiness, fatigue, dizziness, and other fun side effects.  So, I don't know if I'm slightly jet lagged or it's the meds, but I am EXTREMELY out of it today.  I pretty much feel like I'm walking around in a haze... And frankly, I feel stoned.  Fortunately I'm not feeling particularly moody - probably because I'm too out of it to care.   

Anyways, so now begins treatment for epilepsy... I'm all ready dreading the meds... Particularly in my current drugged state of mind.   Fortunately, I am wiser now... UNfortunately, this means I do not get to return to Afghanistan :(  I was there all of a month... and now I'm done.  I am dreading going back to work back in the states, while also not being able to drive for the next three months... It is extremely difficult to get around while being unmarried and living alone somewhere that does not believe in public transportation.  Not to mention the fact that I won't have a real position because I was SUPPOSED to be in Afghanistan... But, I'm going to try to remain positive, because everything happens for a reason, correct?  I mean... This DID happen in Afghanistan, and it could have happened anywhere, at anytime... heck, it could have happened while I was in my room, and nobody would have seen it.  These are the things I'm trying to keep in mind...

Alas, I should sleep now.  Speaking of weird deja vu feelings... I'm feelin' em now!  (I think it has to do more with being in Germany again, though!) 

Love,
Nina

P.S.  To the people who send support and whatnot to the soldiers - thank you!  I am with the warrior transition soldiers, and the support is amazing here, even if I was not hurt in combat.  The free blankets, clothes, food, etc. are such morale boosters.  Though I know things could be so much worse (I could actually be hurt), it is really hard being away from my unit and the soldiers I work with, and the support is helping a lot.