Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Remaining Positive (or trying, anyway)

I cannot focus on my homework right now, so I figured I would blog.  First, I am trying to stay positive about things.  It is working better now than it was earlier, lol.  Positive of staying here in NY instead of going back to the West Coast would include being closer to my marathon and getting to enjoy the winter sports.  Oh yes, and I will be able to actually visit the college I am currently attending online (it's about an hour and a half from here).  Also, I am finally making some friends in the area.  It's difficult to find people to hang out with when you aren't in a regular unit - particularly women!  Fortunately, I've found some runner people and have also started hanging out more with one of my friends from West Point.  I ALSO have to remember that once I start driving again, things will be better.  I won't be stuck.  And since I have no problem doing things alone, even if my friends are busy with work/family, I will still get out and explore - just like I did last year!  So, there are positives.  Of course I would love to be close to my family again, and I miss the Pacific Northwest, but I can deal with being here.  As long as I can drive again soon!  :p  My neurologist better clear me to drive next month!

Speaking of the neurologist, I just called his office to discuss changing dosing schedules or something along these lines.  The new medications I'm on seem to be helping quite a bit with seizure control, but the medications have affected my sleep and moods quite a bit.  I've been having really vivid dreams since I started increasing the dose of Lamictal, and now they are turning into nightmares.  Last night's was an awful bloody nightmare that woke me up at two in the morning, and I can't get the image of it out of my head.  I guess that's what happens when you take medications that alter your brain chemistry... Anyways, I'm hoping changing the timing of my dosage, or something, might help this stop.  I like that I don't feel brain dead during the day (apparently a lot of seizure meds make it really hard to think), and I like that my weight has stayed pretty neutral, since a lot cause a lot of these medications also cause a huge amount of weight gain.  I guess I'm still trying to sort through everything and realize that this is something that isn't going to go away.  Once everything is stabilized, I think it will be better and not something I think so much about.  Currently, it is hard NOT to think about everything.  I'm sure the fact that this is the only reason I'm in the U.S. instead of Afghanistan is not helping me forget!  BUT, eventually things will be normal again.  I guess the positive is I have actually been able to see my family - I was able to see my sister's college graduation, I've been able to see my boyfriend a couple of times, and I have been safe.

Of course, if I had stayed deployed, I would be over halfway done with my deployment.  That still bothers me - that I would be so close to being done if I had been able to stay.  It almost feels as if I've wasted the past four months since I've returned in the states.  Of course I haven't.  But sometimes it seems that way.  I SHOULD be over it, seeing that I've been back stateside longer than I was deployed, but it's hard.  I've become more and more adjusted, but again - it's not as if I was able to come back and just go back to my life pre-deployment.  Instead I was put in a medical hold unit, with a lot of future uncertainty, and a new health diagnosis.  BUT, I am trying really hard to stay positive, as hard as it is with all of this uncertainty.  At least I'm lucky that I will most likely get to stay in the military because my seizures seem pretty controllable with medication.  There are people whose seizures can't be controlled with medication.

Alright, well, I suppose I should work some more on homework... At least I have something else to focus on  - school!  :)  I have my first paper due on Sunday.


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